Dear Congress,

Pass a gallstone for all I care. Would you please quit seducing people with Scandinavian wafers beside the tenderloin display? Americans frequently seek "closure" not "cloture" -- some of you, clearly, need to get laid. And by that, I mean something consensual. In which the other person says, "The Yeas outweigh the Naysayers." Because of your flabby flubs all Americans now must attend Hypothermia Practice. United is temperate; divided we shiver. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman, for the Daylight Savings Tax, and I mean, why stop with winter sunlight? Tax the quarter moon, monsoon, constellations, sirocco -- certainly, Dear Congress, there is a way to pay down your $11 trillion debt, without having to, Heaven Forbid, ask Americans to sacrifice. Think about it: Asking US to sacrifice for your FLABBY FLUBS, gladhanding, the sour gristle of your excess.

Yrs, Constituent