Dear Congress,

You need to Stimulate the economy's Erogenous Zones in a hurry. Hotpants, to be clear, is neither Stimulus nor Erogenous Zone, it is "humid breathing", it is dungarees, it is not Policy, Hotpants is not a Marble Corridor. Oh, it must be so de rigeur to meet a colleague for organic arugula and espresso, to discuss how you can maintain your "Political Independence" in the face of a popular inauguration, its augurs and Okies, bloggers and Blokes. To Curry Flavor is not to press one's agenda in a Bengali restaurant, to Curry Flavor is to spice and celebrate, it does not involve a big gut & insufficient girth of towel at the steambath, it is to butter the chicken, to sample tasty chickpea, to perspire beneath the heatlamp. Do not Stimulate Detroit, Dear Congress, for the country no longer requires an AutoErogenous Zone. Do not Stimulate our hidden areas of Surprise & Exclamation, Dear Congress, for the country already sports too many Gee Spots. Americans would rather lose weight than kiss their representatives. Americans would rather suffer a shortage of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Six Figures is not a band, not a group of concubines, not a Monet or Manet, it is money, ahead of the rest, it is your elite, avant garde salary. It is not a theme park, although a fine interactive park would The Legislature make. One could sign a bill but skip out on the checks and balances; filibuster with minorities and caucus with Caucasians; explore openings and cloture in the cloakroom; ride the secretaries and override The Precedent. Don't take such pride in your multiple hindrances that you record them on your Curriculum Veto. Don't be so skittish, buck up, you are not a Deer Congress, Dear Congress, you are bicameral mammals, you are not camels, you may or may not be humped. Well all reet, then, well all root, then, well Orate, then.

Yrs,
Constituent

Dear Congress,


No, Reapportionment isn't a second helping of potato salad, and The Center isn't a care facility where Senior Cits congregate to play Kaluki, and Bicameral doesn't mean walking around with two photographic devices looped around one's neck. Let's be clear: the days of "Legislating Casual" are over, even Legislating Casual Fridays. You'll have to sacrifice your sacred vice, Opining on the sad sap of our repairs. Dough is to Bread as Money is to Money. Get it? The election results suggest that more Americans will be masturbating with their left hands come January, when the 111th version of you, Dear Congress, will be sworn at, I mean sworn-in. Will you behave like Statespersons, then, or Felons? The distinction, I agree, has muddied muddy. A Lame Duck hobbles, and a Lame Duck is a sad attempt to avoid a projectile, and a Lame Duck fancies itself in a time of Dearth. When Americans asked for salt of the earth you salted the earth. Indenture is to Adventure as Debenture is to Denture. Follow that logic when the alarms sound. (That's a joke).

Yrs,

Constituent

AMERICA HAS SPOKEN! (and it's a tie)

Poll #2: Which Supper Should Congress Place First in the National Supper Collider?

Moo Shu Porkbarrel 42%
Tenderloin Display 42%
Fatty Kuts 12%
Mac 'n' Cheez 4%

Dear Congress,

If you are here to serve the American people, then could I get some Moo Shu Porkbarrel to go? Specifically, I think you should legislate the creation of -- *not* a Super Collider -- but a Supper Collider. It is high time that Americans witness suppers colliding against suppers at high rates of speed. In times of stress, we know that the zebra will lie down with the horse, the magician will stow our money in revolving coconut halves, and you, Dear Congress, will attend psychotherapy. When shown an inkblot in the shape of a dollar sign, you will think "Quorum", and who'd blame you? When shown an inkblot in the shape of a Quorum, you will think of a buffet table festooned with cutlets and sterno. Privy to the heartbeat of the voter and to each member the finest privy. Prithee dost though pride thee in the privacy of the primate? And if so, when the coconut halves are be-stilled, and upturned by the venerable hand, rather than just seeing empty coconut halves, that our money is vapor, we are handed a bill for empty coconut halves, we must pay for the very device that has looted our security, Dear Congress. But your pensions are safe, so no need to dip down to our level, what I'll call Basic Every Day.

Yrs, Constituent

AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!

Should Congress Forego Lunchmeats until the Financial Crisis Is Resolved?

Fatty Kuts 61%
Yes 21%
Selected Meats 14%
No 4%

Dear Congress,

Pass a gallstone for all I care. Would you please quit seducing people with Scandinavian wafers beside the tenderloin display? Americans frequently seek "closure" not "cloture" -- some of you, clearly, need to get laid. And by that, I mean something consensual. In which the other person says, "The Yeas outweigh the Naysayers." Because of your flabby flubs all Americans now must attend Hypothermia Practice. United is temperate; divided we shiver. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman, for the Daylight Savings Tax, and I mean, why stop with winter sunlight? Tax the quarter moon, monsoon, constellations, sirocco -- certainly, Dear Congress, there is a way to pay down your $11 trillion debt, without having to, Heaven Forbid, ask Americans to sacrifice. Think about it: Asking US to sacrifice for your FLABBY FLUBS, gladhanding, the sour gristle of your excess.

Yrs, Constituent