Dear Congress,
A representative is not one who "re-presents" --- that is, gets out the ol' PowerPoint slides, and lectures, all over again. No, No, No. It is not someone who re-gifts, either. Although it feels that way, what you're doing, when I think of my money. I offer annual gifts to you --- Levies --- though you must not like them very much, for in the heat of the night, you pass my Levies along to the Banks, outer, inner, and in between. But it's not all take and re-gift, don't get me right. You return the kindness of your fellow countrymen, kind of, in the form of Corporate Domination, Number One, and Number Two, Debt. It's getting so bad, that Virginia has become The Old Domination. And by that --- No, No, No --- I do not mean granny, in dungarees, wielding a whip. There should be a cabinet-level Secretary of Extramarital Affairs and Sundry Violations, yes? I'd settle for a Secretary of Violations, Vileness, Villainy, and Vibrato -- that is, someone to oversee you, Dear Congress, in all your finery. Jello Slappings may ensue; so beware. You may be slapped with Jello or slopped with Scripture. 'You Bet Your Debt': Ain't that the American way?
Yrs,
Constituent
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Dear Congress,
Clearly, you do not have your Health, and clearly you do not Care, so why pretend otherwise? I mean, you don't hold seeings and you done smelt a gas. The risk really is -- if you neglect your well-being, then you may, in fact, imperil your senses, and that may jeopardize your Hearings. What ever happened to Aer Lingus Presents Charles Mingus? That whole thing. See? See how the priorities change once you get (re)elected -- and thence (re)invent a whole new round of dishonesty? Instead, you offer us Riverdance w/ The Oscar Peterson Trio, and that, Dear Congress, is some tragic H1N1 re-bop. In your realm, the Lord created Special People, followed by Special Interest, followed by Special Police. The Pulp does not hold Mass and the masses do not rest their bums in pupae. Olde English is a language we all start speaking after we consume The Malt Beverage, and once we adopt that tongue, we begin to revere the Norsemen and their fiscal pall. Oh, and by the way, the term "Filibuster Proof" has nothing to do with alcohol content, and, I mean, it has nothing, even, to do with content. If anything, we are clearly traveling Discontent Avenue toward The Burning Waterway, and the bridge is OUT. How would you have us make that crossing, Dear Congress -- on a Bloat?
Yrs,
Constituent
Clearly, you do not have your Health, and clearly you do not Care, so why pretend otherwise? I mean, you don't hold seeings and you done smelt a gas. The risk really is -- if you neglect your well-being, then you may, in fact, imperil your senses, and that may jeopardize your Hearings. What ever happened to Aer Lingus Presents Charles Mingus? That whole thing. See? See how the priorities change once you get (re)elected -- and thence (re)invent a whole new round of dishonesty? Instead, you offer us Riverdance w/ The Oscar Peterson Trio, and that, Dear Congress, is some tragic H1N1 re-bop. In your realm, the Lord created Special People, followed by Special Interest, followed by Special Police. The Pulp does not hold Mass and the masses do not rest their bums in pupae. Olde English is a language we all start speaking after we consume The Malt Beverage, and once we adopt that tongue, we begin to revere the Norsemen and their fiscal pall. Oh, and by the way, the term "Filibuster Proof" has nothing to do with alcohol content, and, I mean, it has nothing, even, to do with content. If anything, we are clearly traveling Discontent Avenue toward The Burning Waterway, and the bridge is OUT. How would you have us make that crossing, Dear Congress -- on a Bloat?
Yrs,
Constituent
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Dear Congress,
You need to Stimulate the economy's Erogenous Zones in a hurry. Hotpants, to be clear, is neither Stimulus nor Erogenous Zone, it is "humid breathing", it is dungarees, it is not Policy, Hotpants is not a Marble Corridor. Oh, it must be so de rigeur to meet a colleague for organic arugula and espresso, to discuss how you can maintain your "Political Independence" in the face of a popular inauguration, its augurs and Okies, bloggers and Blokes. To Curry Flavor is not to press one's agenda in a Bengali restaurant, to Curry Flavor is to spice and celebrate, it does not involve a big gut & insufficient girth of towel at the steambath, it is to butter the chicken, to sample tasty chickpea, to perspire beneath the heatlamp. Do not Stimulate Detroit, Dear Congress, for the country no longer requires an AutoErogenous Zone. Do not Stimulate our hidden areas of Surprise & Exclamation, Dear Congress, for the country already sports too many Gee Spots. Americans would rather lose weight than kiss their representatives. Americans would rather suffer a shortage of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Six Figures is not a band, not a group of concubines, not a Monet or Manet, it is money, ahead of the rest, it is your elite, avant garde salary. It is not a theme park, although a fine interactive park would The Legislature make. One could sign a bill but skip out on the checks and balances; filibuster with minorities and caucus with Caucasians; explore openings and cloture in the cloakroom; ride the secretaries and override The Precedent. Don't take such pride in your multiple hindrances that you record them on your Curriculum Veto. Don't be so skittish, buck up, you are not a Deer Congress, Dear Congress, you are bicameral mammals, you are not camels, you may or may not be humped. Well all reet, then, well all root, then, well Orate, then.
Yrs,
Constituent
You need to Stimulate the economy's Erogenous Zones in a hurry. Hotpants, to be clear, is neither Stimulus nor Erogenous Zone, it is "humid breathing", it is dungarees, it is not Policy, Hotpants is not a Marble Corridor. Oh, it must be so de rigeur to meet a colleague for organic arugula and espresso, to discuss how you can maintain your "Political Independence" in the face of a popular inauguration, its augurs and Okies, bloggers and Blokes. To Curry Flavor is not to press one's agenda in a Bengali restaurant, to Curry Flavor is to spice and celebrate, it does not involve a big gut & insufficient girth of towel at the steambath, it is to butter the chicken, to sample tasty chickpea, to perspire beneath the heatlamp. Do not Stimulate Detroit, Dear Congress, for the country no longer requires an AutoErogenous Zone. Do not Stimulate our hidden areas of Surprise & Exclamation, Dear Congress, for the country already sports too many Gee Spots. Americans would rather lose weight than kiss their representatives. Americans would rather suffer a shortage of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Six Figures is not a band, not a group of concubines, not a Monet or Manet, it is money, ahead of the rest, it is your elite, avant garde salary. It is not a theme park, although a fine interactive park would The Legislature make. One could sign a bill but skip out on the checks and balances; filibuster with minorities and caucus with Caucasians; explore openings and cloture in the cloakroom; ride the secretaries and override The Precedent. Don't take such pride in your multiple hindrances that you record them on your Curriculum Veto. Don't be so skittish, buck up, you are not a Deer Congress, Dear Congress, you are bicameral mammals, you are not camels, you may or may not be humped. Well all reet, then, well all root, then, well Orate, then.
Yrs,
Constituent
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear Congress,
No, Reapportionment isn't a second helping of potato salad, and The Center isn't a care facility where Senior Cits congregate to play Kaluki, and Bicameral doesn't mean walking around with two photographic devices looped around one's neck. Let's be clear: the days of "Legislating Casual" are over, even Legislating Casual Fridays. You'll have to sacrifice your sacred vice, Opining on the sad sap of our repairs. Dough is to Bread as Money is to Money. Get it? The election results suggest that more Americans will be masturbating with their left hands come January, when the 111th version of you, Dear Congress, will be sworn at, I mean sworn-in. Will you behave like Statespersons, then, or Felons? The distinction, I agree, has muddied muddy. A Lame Duck hobbles, and a Lame Duck is a sad attempt to avoid a projectile, and a Lame Duck fancies itself in a time of Dearth. When Americans asked for salt of the earth you salted the earth. Indenture is to Adventure as Debenture is to Denture. Follow that logic when the alarms sound. (That's a joke).
Yrs,
Constituent
No, Reapportionment isn't a second helping of potato salad, and The Center isn't a care facility where Senior Cits congregate to play Kaluki, and Bicameral doesn't mean walking around with two photographic devices looped around one's neck. Let's be clear: the days of "Legislating Casual" are over, even Legislating Casual Fridays. You'll have to sacrifice your sacred vice, Opining on the sad sap of our repairs. Dough is to Bread as Money is to Money. Get it? The election results suggest that more Americans will be masturbating with their left hands come January, when the 111th version of you, Dear Congress, will be sworn at, I mean sworn-in. Will you behave like Statespersons, then, or Felons? The distinction, I agree, has muddied muddy. A Lame Duck hobbles, and a Lame Duck is a sad attempt to avoid a projectile, and a Lame Duck fancies itself in a time of Dearth. When Americans asked for salt of the earth you salted the earth. Indenture is to Adventure as Debenture is to Denture. Follow that logic when the alarms sound. (That's a joke).
Yrs,
Constituent
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Dear Congress,
If you are here to serve the American people, then could I get some Moo Shu Porkbarrel to go? Specifically, I think you should legislate the creation of -- *not* a Super Collider -- but a Supper Collider. It is high time that Americans witness suppers colliding against suppers at high rates of speed. In times of stress, we know that the zebra will lie down with the horse, the magician will stow our money in revolving coconut halves, and you, Dear Congress, will attend psychotherapy. When shown an inkblot in the shape of a dollar sign, you will think "Quorum", and who'd blame you? When shown an inkblot in the shape of a Quorum, you will think of a buffet table festooned with cutlets and sterno. Privy to the heartbeat of the voter and to each member the finest privy. Prithee dost though pride thee in the privacy of the primate? And if so, when the coconut halves are be-stilled, and upturned by the venerable hand, rather than just seeing empty coconut halves, that our money is vapor, we are handed a bill for empty coconut halves, we must pay for the very device that has looted our security, Dear Congress. But your pensions are safe, so no need to dip down to our level, what I'll call Basic Every Day.
Yrs, Constituent
If you are here to serve the American people, then could I get some Moo Shu Porkbarrel to go? Specifically, I think you should legislate the creation of -- *not* a Super Collider -- but a Supper Collider. It is high time that Americans witness suppers colliding against suppers at high rates of speed. In times of stress, we know that the zebra will lie down with the horse, the magician will stow our money in revolving coconut halves, and you, Dear Congress, will attend psychotherapy. When shown an inkblot in the shape of a dollar sign, you will think "Quorum", and who'd blame you? When shown an inkblot in the shape of a Quorum, you will think of a buffet table festooned with cutlets and sterno. Privy to the heartbeat of the voter and to each member the finest privy. Prithee dost though pride thee in the privacy of the primate? And if so, when the coconut halves are be-stilled, and upturned by the venerable hand, rather than just seeing empty coconut halves, that our money is vapor, we are handed a bill for empty coconut halves, we must pay for the very device that has looted our security, Dear Congress. But your pensions are safe, so no need to dip down to our level, what I'll call Basic Every Day.
Yrs, Constituent
Friday, September 26, 2008
Dear Congress,
Pass a gallstone for all I care. Would you please quit seducing people with Scandinavian wafers beside the tenderloin display? Americans frequently seek "closure" not "cloture" -- some of you, clearly, need to get laid. And by that, I mean something consensual. In which the other person says, "The Yeas outweigh the Naysayers." Because of your flabby flubs all Americans now must attend Hypothermia Practice. United is temperate; divided we shiver. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman, for the Daylight Savings Tax, and I mean, why stop with winter sunlight? Tax the quarter moon, monsoon, constellations, sirocco -- certainly, Dear Congress, there is a way to pay down your $11 trillion debt, without having to, Heaven Forbid, ask Americans to sacrifice. Think about it: Asking US to sacrifice for your FLABBY FLUBS, gladhanding, the sour gristle of your excess.
Yrs, Constituent
Pass a gallstone for all I care. Would you please quit seducing people with Scandinavian wafers beside the tenderloin display? Americans frequently seek "closure" not "cloture" -- some of you, clearly, need to get laid. And by that, I mean something consensual. In which the other person says, "The Yeas outweigh the Naysayers." Because of your flabby flubs all Americans now must attend Hypothermia Practice. United is temperate; divided we shiver. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman, for the Daylight Savings Tax, and I mean, why stop with winter sunlight? Tax the quarter moon, monsoon, constellations, sirocco -- certainly, Dear Congress, there is a way to pay down your $11 trillion debt, without having to, Heaven Forbid, ask Americans to sacrifice. Think about it: Asking US to sacrifice for your FLABBY FLUBS, gladhanding, the sour gristle of your excess.
Yrs, Constituent
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