Dear Congress

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #30

2011-04-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

You will short shit the sheets again
mes amis
so long as there is "Tomorrow"
& sheets
& dookie in yr vowels //
Mr. Peacock threatens to fire up
his scraper box
he says, "I'm uh fryer up
mah scraper box, Worm"
"The Worm" is his son in-law & unlikable //
Tomorrow, mes amis
I could write 30 letters
re: yr failings in the face of Everyday sitch
or Tomorrow I could write no letters at all //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #29

2011-04-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I didn't give you The Chili Pepper at
Rate My Congress dot com b/c
you're not "hot" exactly
you're stagnant & inert
so I clicked on The Festering Swamp
you have several ratings of Festering Swamp &
half a dozen friend requests from
Radicalized Air Biscuit, Lincoln, Neb. //
I went to Rate My Athletic Supporter dot com &
commented "itchy & pinchy &
elasticky but emphasizes my Massive Cock"
I rated my athletic supporter Four Bulges out of
Five Bulges b/c my support Matters
how about some support that Matters, y'all? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #28

2011-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

How many Americans does it take to blow cocaine up
Stevie Nicks's butt? one to blow the powder, yes
(through $100 bill, neti pot, twisty straw?) &
one to spread her ass cheeks -- how does that work?
maybe someone to hold her hand or coo sweet nothings
hey, is Stevie Nicks hiring? the Stevie Nicks economy blooms!
sought: Must Lift Heavy Shit, Jack of All Trades, Roadie
w/ prev. exper. w/ Blowing Cocaine Up the Butt Helpful //
Talk about Data Recovery talk about Database Hygiene
talk about Data Cluster talk about Data Entry
talk about Data Modelling talk about Data Networks
leads to a Buggering -- where else would it lead? &
would you please stop fecking around w/ the votive candles
or pretend it's Stevie Nicks's butt & blow them out! //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #27

2011-04-27T06:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

There is Global Warming & there is Personal Warming &
no, I do not mean orgy lotions & whatnot
I mean that body temperatures are soaring "Like Never Before"
such that we require an Act by Y'all to re-establish some Norms --
like, 99.2 might be a start, but if we leave it alone & do nuttin'
people are gonna get to winning awards: Hottest Analyst in America &
hottest HVAC Tech in America & hottest Accountancy Temp in America
because their temperatures would be Warming, Duh! //
At the same time, this will decrease fevers &
lead to fewer sick days, hence a little Two-for-One, there
Raise the National Body Temperature & Increase Efficiency -- O,
there's a Nobel Prize in the wind for your Dumb Asses
Puttin' America To Work! Movin' Forward into the 21st Century!
at 99.2 degrees Personal Body Fahrenheit & Climbing! //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #26

2011-04-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

The Quality of Garnish has dwindled (big time)
the pretzel garnished w/ turnip! &
we may not eject the turnip from the rooftop
the server & bartender wag their fingers
it's either the shame, thus, of Leftover Turnip or
chancing it with Ejection of Turnip but
either way it's the Quality of Garnish in deficit
shitty Sprig of Parsley adorning Shank of Lamb //
The Shanking of the Lambs (feature flick)
is not about casual prison encounters but
Garnish in Crisis -- Lambs & Garnish in crisis &
how Garnish is wasteful in America whereas
in other cultures, Garnish is exalted -- it ain't just
any old thing bejeweling the Special Tibs, yo //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #25

2011-04-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Too many Americans are making love to
birthday cakes & puff pastry & citrus
I mean, I understand the need for "Variety" but
having a "threesome" w/ a tangelo in one hand &
a grapefruit in the other is just plain lugnuts --
or, if you will, consider the pastry's feelings
the tenderness of the batter, the warmth of convection
despoiled by pubic friction & the dumb grunt //
Incarcerating the offenders would only turn them to
more effective acts of courting pastry & citrus
as they would "rehabilitate" w/ hard felons who
have lemon-lime tattoos, phyllo dough tattoos //
An American, dining alone, opposite a Bundt Cake
is not an American dining alone, not anymore //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #24

2011-04-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Is it "Reflux" or is it "Heartburn"
because one is a disease &
one is a flavor &
are we, as a society, demonizing flavor
what's next, then -- Special Sauce as Disorder
Doc, Doc, gimme the bad news &
he's like "Stage Three Special Sauce" &
you do NOT respect My Pathology //
I ordered The One-Armed Drummer at
the Sex Barbershop
it was wild -- I saw a purple flash w/
unexpected Rorschach blots before I was
lowered & swiveled -- what a haircut! &
behold the sound of one arm drumming //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #23

2011-04-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

A telegram to Ma'am is not a Ma'ammogram &
hardly, I am not sassing you
"No Ma'ammogram"
"Yes Ma'ammogram", etc., I am not
getting on that Personal Hygiene Problem either
would you quit diggin' them finger raisins? &
Boston Irish imitations, too
"Ich bin ein Boogah Pickah" ain't tensile, Dawgs //
Bought me a 4-in-1 printer
inkjet, fax, photocopy & Polygraph
cause I want to print, fax, & copy the lie when I detect it
y'all would give that machine a workout! & yet
there you go again: "Ich bin ein
Itchah Scratchah" while the Debt soars //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #22

2011-04-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

It's three thirty a.m. & time to wake up Murph
from the sharpied-up payphone outside Pizza Pad
"Hey Murph," we say & he says groggy "Gurph"
we hear crash w/o glass cracking & distant "Yowch!"
the sharpies say "Crotch Rot" they say "Caspa" &
"Barry has been Gorilla Dicked on Tuesday by Dilly Boy" but
we cross out w/ our own sharpie & write "by Murph" &
we threaten Axe Kick & Murph hangs up on us //
Murph always hangs up on us so we always call him back
"Hey Murph," we say & he says groggy "Gurph"
he says that he will make hamburger out of our faces
(as we sharpie-in his phone number on the payphone)
that he will avenge the Muslim Religious Foods Incident &
"Who is this?" & we always say "This is your dream calling" //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #21

2011-04-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I caught the ugliest fish the cap'n had ever seen
hook out its eye but bore that indignity w/
a rather stolid (fishy) assessment of the sitch
when we docked the cap'n met another cap'n for
prostate dysfunction support group (i.e., shots of Jack)
they threw the fish in a laundry basket "Over
near the propane!" & that was the end of the fish //
In the morning I poked it w/ a tire gauge &
ugly bit the gauge teeth on metal grinding upward
like FDR (only a fish) smoking a cigarette
the cap'n chased me w/ a baseball bat toward the sea
where I threw the fish still clenching the tire gauge
maybe it gauged the pressures of its kind (true story) &
thereby resembled the Futility of Our Age //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #20

2011-04-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

How many Elvises is Flying Elvises &
if you say "A lot of Elvises"
could you please say "A lot of Elvises, Sir" or
be specific: blotto Elvises, umpteen Elvises
are there Multicultural Flying Elvises & by that I mean
are there Ottoman Elvises, Sherpa Elvises
Give 'em Helvises, Pelvises & Warcrime Elvises //
It will take Potatoes to nourish all
the Flying Elvises, it will require Flying Potatoes w/
little parachutes to nourish all the Flying Elvises
it is the bottom of the 8th w/ Joe Ronca at The Bat
in Double A ballpark w/ night lights & indigestion
here comes a slick of Elvises & Potatoes -- Flying -- airdropped
it is America -- Normal -- & Our Only Hope //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #19

2011-04-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

What is The Big Guy's Breakfast anymore but
"cutting the grilled cheese" & awakening w/
sweaty neck in tangle of bedclothes at pre-dawn intervals
chopsticks everything chopsticks doing lines of drugs w/
chopsticks everything chopsticks doing lines of
The Big Guy's Breakfast -- then engaging in gratuitous acts of
Personal Readjustment during staff meeting during
buffet-style psychotherapy & passive aggressive motion simulator //
Mockingbird versus Robin is like Beatlemania versus
phoney Beatlemania (respectively) -- Hey, if it's "Oui" ("Yes")
in French and if it's "Ja" ("Yes") among the Indo Germanic Tribes
then "Ouija" is one of them double positives &
a veritable "gorilla dicking" of the Spiritual Realm
do you see Voters? oui/ja you see Voters you see OHIO //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #18

2011-04-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

How about a National Irony Month
to celebrate the sturdy ("irony") fiber
of our starchy & beefy Peoples
except that "High Concept" could muss
the crisp lines of our national acumen
in an Asshairs-to-Dingleberries kind of way
"got enough irony in your diet?"
could've been the (money!) motto //
If someone who is "ill endowed" applies for
an Endowed Chair in Any Discipline, then
he (or she) must compensate, I'd say, by
presenting a really fine Chair (swivel, rocking, etc.)
to the Search Committee Members -- "Irony"
they'd note & by that mean Starchy! //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #17

2011-04-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Who ate the last Nut Cluster?
I was saving THAT & the duck sauce for
my Sunday morning routine --
Nena rockin' the 99 Luftballoons
("...mit orders to identify
to clarify und classify...") &
Major Tom remake ("...mit hamster falling
und falling hamster dooooooo...") //
A job w/ Recess is fun, no?
you get to run around like a pogrom &
recede & spread Rogaine on each other's scalps
there are crises O, there are crises like
who ate the last Nut Cluster?
I was saving that for LATER! //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #16

2011-04-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

There's a FLY on my SLICE yo! &
it's Fat Guy Night at the bar & grill
two for one drinks if you tip the scale
booby, blubba or blimpy-bounce
man, they're raffling shit off, too --
a high caloric Hey Bo Diddley &
High Colonics, I've learned, are not
lofty talkers descended from settlers //
Yo! I did not order a FLY on my SLICE
flies were not listed as condiments
for slice, for pie, for pie chart & for
H. Ross Perot NAFTA Lectureships --
Now! See! Gneow! Knee-ow! & how
our High Colonics have Obesefied //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #15

2011-04-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

& the problem with America is (flourish)
not enough Americans wetting each other's whistles
oh, there are all kinds of products for what ails
Whooping Cough Drops, Toe Jam Spoon &
Valentine's Day Pepper Spray, for ex., but
not enough Americans wetting each other's whistles
we have moisture, correct? & we have GPS
(to locate whistles) & we Americans can apply
a variety of lubrications w/ expertise, in fact
there may be an entire Lubrication Economy --
grease up everything that hadn't been greased &
by that I mean People Speaking Their Minds w/o
Any Inhibitions, I mean grease the lubricant itself but
I do NOT mean grease your fat palm (exeunt) //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #14

2011-04-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I have been experiencing Antisemitic Refill at
bars, restaurants, lunch counters & burrito trucks
I mean what the fuck? -- Gentiles get full Refill while
I get three quarters? -- that's 25 pct. Antisemitic &
let's take it further, Cuzzes, cause I want Equally Worse
I want Gentiles to experience Antisemitic Refill of
water vessel, beer mug, Spiritual Connection w/ Deity &
All Flippin' Metaphorical Glasses of Anything! //
Is the glass half full or is the glass half empty? Pffft.
It's a Jew's glass, either way, because, Sports Fans
it has suffered from (say it with me!) Antisemitic Refill &
who drinks said portion of refill owed to the Semite?
Come to think of it, who eats the 25 pct. of toastcakes &
25 pct. of fishtaco & 25 pct. of pickled carrot NOT re-filled? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #13

2011-04-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I'm not going to bring up Mike Tyson -- No,
I'm not going to bring up Mike Tyson -- OH,
ALL RIGHT: the time he met the Jewish American Princess &
reacted as follows: "That goil wuth tho JAPPY
it wuth lewdicrouth how JAPPY that goil wuth"
he threatened to eat Lennox's children but
ate Evander's ear instead does our Legislature intend to
regulate the discoloration between his threats & his meals? //
Boxer ear could be full of triglycerides for ex. or
consider other Fats in Sport -- Minnesota Fats v.
Florida Trans Fats in a friendly game of Snooker
yeah Iron Mike was there, "Awww," he thaid, he thaid
"That Flawwida Tranth Fatths really THNOOKID Minnethota Fatth
it wuth lewdicrouth how THNOOKID that guy wuth!" //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #12

2011-04-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

The time has come to hold Gluten Free Hearings
in attendance: Glutens and Non Glutens alike
(members from both tribes) &
on the agenda -- radicalized Gluten plus
militant Gluten in the thumb-crook of Michigan
if unchecked could lead to British spellings of diarrhoea //
Don't fear Gonorrhea -- it's just diarrhoea that's been flushed
you know, it's been gone for a while
you may experience a clapping sensation
& if so, check out The Clapper on late night infomercial
you can "Clap On" "Clap Off" the Clap (these days)
should applause (i.e., The Clap) persist
ain't nothing wrong w/ cruising the bad 'hood
to score a dimebag of medicinal Gluten, eh? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #11

2011-04-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

America is no longer Top Titty at Wooing
"Woo!" we go "Woo!" &
beer is brought, bad beer
whereas other cultures offer spouses
(she-Boers & he-Boers, for ex.) upon "Woo!" of Citizen &
foam-drink, foam-enlargement, foam-epiphany, as well //
I first addressed this letter "Dear Fergus"
"Woo!" it went "Woo!" but
there wasn't much else to say
I don't really know anybody named Fergus after all
then someone brought me beer, bad beer &
"the cloud of inferiority" lowered
subtract "Woo!" from Wooing & it's a
dark, dank, solitary day in our Bicameral Confinement //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #10

2011-04-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Please don't cancel The Free Noodle Exchange Program
I'd like to trade my egg (noodle) for
a broad (noodle) or maybe some AA batteries -- Or,
I'd like to trade sitting in the tub w/
egg noodles for sitting in the tub w/
broad noodles (or AA batteries) -- do you know Ornette
do you think Ornette Coleman noodled around
in some of his Atlantic shit or what? //
I'd like to exchange the fact that you don't know Ornette
& his tenor & alto & trumpet & violin for
a glass noodle soup w/ hi cholesterol & surly service -- Hey,
how about some political al dente w/
Noodles on both sides of the aisle clapping,
clapping at long last some serious Bipartisan Buttock? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #9

2011-04-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

You could procure Fed Gov Inflatable Worker® complete w/
Real Break Room Tendencies® & Real Chat Room Impulse® &
Frequent Bouts of Loose Stool® ("Just Add Water™")
now that The Shutdown® has been parried & anyhow subject it to
The Shutdown® experience: Arrival of Ethnic Repo Man® &
Arrival of Ethnic Deputy w/ Four Colour Order to Vacate® &
Arrival of Ethnic Missionary w/ Mimeograph on Position® ///
I dreamt that British Petroleum® was acquired by Chia Pet®
in return for the Intellectual Property® accumulated by Madonna®
when she Flirted® with Stieg Larsson Hologram® -- so real that I
purchased Chia Gulf Oil Disaster® ("Just Add Water™" &
"Watch It Grow™") w/ 3.5 pct APR® from Chia High Finance® but
The Sad Regularity of American Life® punked my REM Cycle Chia®
leaving me w/ Flaccid Accounts of Our Inflationary Peoples® ///

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #8

2011-04-08T05:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I threw a jellybean from a second tier perch
at Harbor Place into the cleavage of
a heavy woman (think Janice Soprano) a tier below
maybe a faint "click" as the bean wedged &
the woman seized her heavy bosoms a-moaning
I thought perhaps enraptured in the moment
(the flavor, in my recollection, was Very Cherry)
or she was moving that bean around her brassiere good
"Oh!" she said, as she re-seized her bosoms
a few (people) stared & a few (people) pointed
but mostly malleted the fuck outta they crabs //
Some fun, huh? // I was 12, Security chased me //
I wanted you to know this story on the eve of
The Shutdown, cause "it ain't no pleasure in life" huh? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #7

2011-04-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I'm really worried about my Deity
after the "evil weed" & "coital stew" incidents
there have been fierce (saltwater) Boer attacks
irradiation & scads of melancholy at sunset
I'm sad, darkening is sad & the lowdose 81 mg
(domestic) don't work against none of that shit //
'Nuff about me, how hangs the Quorum? // Yeah //
Anyway, I'm really worried about my Deity
could you regulate? could you appropriate casual
a graft or kickback or shwarma? (B-B-Q flav)
(e.g., one for me, one for my Deity) //
Throw some TARP at that shit if you gotta
but if I don't have the proper Divine relationship
I can't thank nobody for all the co-incidents in my life //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #6

2011-04-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Time to revise the Pyramid of Misery
w/ 6 to 11 servings of general uselessness
w/ 3 to 5 servings of furlough & 3 to 5 servings of
chatty supervisor whose velveteen jogging getup
doesn't mask his indie wealth & hirsute worldview //
Also: 2 to 4 servings of angry ethnic cellphone call &
2 to 4 servings of GPS failures such that Metrobus
vanishes right before predicted arrival (kind of like
Pyramid of Orgasm & Pyramid of Bright Ideas &
Pyramid of Epiphanies, Mood Disorders & Sneezes //
Continue to use nightmares sparingly, the one
in which the Kartofel/Potatogruppen Soldaten
advance w/ 50 russet magazines & fascist flatulence
at Mach III those Potatogruppen will leave a Veldt //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #5

2011-04-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I'm playing Xbox Legislature 360 After Hours
as either Fat E. avatar
or Fatty Girl avatar
("It's in the game!") &
I smell butt, k? // Should I
gladhand chairman in chambers or
kiss the ring of member in cloakroom or
caucus without whistle wetting? //
I got three constituencies
deli, bagel & karate -- well
donut, burger & stripmall, too
they piss in my face & tell me I'm sweating //
I have missed 55 votes & mounting
like U.S. of A. debt counter, k? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #4

2011-04-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

I found a mortgage
in a box of Nutty Nuggets I found
a mortgage inside a bottle of quaffable
aloe w/ anime pulp &
inside a friend's cigarette pack
twenty pieces of twenty mortgages & govt says
tobbacco, tar, & 'additives' are bad? // Sheeeeeeeet //
A homeless was begging, "Brother,
can you spare a mortgage?" & a girlie mag
featured mortgage-on-mortgage action &
at my very first alien abduction
freakin' Interplanet Janet hands me a mortgage
after the digital exam (didn't know we had investors
like that!) but I digress //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #3

2011-04-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

You have re-eroticized
my consumerist tendencies &
I require endless athletic support
or endless Sport
seasons that never expire
teams that never perspire //
"Cardswipe" is the new "Arsewipe"
you Cardswipe you
jockstrap emeritus you &
your glandular glad-handing //
I fashion festive nut balloon
from walnuts & (Magnum) prophylactic
the ladies think me econo-patriotic &
like a nut balloon, I am hard //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #2

2011-04-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Please label your crises either
"Fun Size" or "Gidget"
& as for "Alert Levels"
most Americans will wax
Winnebago/ist in their Right-leaning
& glottal couch-fart pathology //
"Excess gut" is Fun Size whereas
"Munititions" is totally Gidget, dig? //
These are your options:
if/then statement; uff/da statement;
ow!/fuck! statement; Alert Levels
& will you please cast "Yea"
to enjoin "Bugger" w/ "Gadget", i.e.,
excess gut uh Budget? //

Yrs, Constituent

NaPoWriMo Sonnet #1

2011-04-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Always nourish the bee
& focus-up the wilderness
of your (1) fiscal policy
(2) garlicky armpit (3) quit
lookin' like you been slapped
with hardship & will you
---please!---nourish the bee //
Imagine the wilderness sans
the cloakroom odour
of your brightest oratory &
will you cloture the shit outta
(1) red constipated owlface
lest we suffer bee maudlin
& the fat hand of fiscal armpit //

Yrs, Constituent

2010-01-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Congress,

A representative is not one who "re-presents" --- that is, gets out the ol' PowerPoint slides, and lectures, all over again. No, No, No. It is not someone who re-gifts, either. Although it feels that way, what you're doing, when I think of my money. I offer annual gifts to you --- Levies --- though you must not like them very much, for in the heat of the night, you pass my Levies along to the Banks, outer, inner, and in between. But it's not all take and re-gift, don't get me right. You return the kindness of your fellow countrymen, kind of, in the form of Corporate Domination, Number One, and Number Two, Debt. It's getting so bad, that Virginia has become The Old Domination. And by that --- No, No, No --- I do not mean granny, in dungarees, wielding a whip. There should be a cabinet-level Secretary of Extramarital Affairs and Sundry Violations, yes? I'd settle for a Secretary of Violations, Vileness, Villainy, and Vibrato -- that is, someone to oversee you, Dear Congress, in all your finery. Jello Slappings may ensue; so beware. You may be slapped with Jello or slopped with Scripture. 'You Bet Your Debt': Ain't that the American way?

Yrs,
Constituent

2009-07-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Congress,

Clearly, you do not have your Health, and clearly you do not Care, so why pretend otherwise? I mean, you don't hold seeings and you done smelt a gas. The risk really is -- if you neglect your well-being, then you may, in fact, imperil your senses, and that may jeopardize your Hearings. What ever happened to Aer Lingus Presents Charles Mingus? That whole thing. See? See how the priorities change once you get (re)elected -- and thence (re)invent a whole new round of dishonesty? Instead, you offer us Riverdance w/ The Oscar Peterson Trio, and that, Dear Congress, is some tragic H1N1 re-bop. In your realm, the Lord created Special People, followed by Special Interest, followed by Special Police. The Pulp does not hold Mass and the masses do not rest their bums in pupae. Olde English is a language we all start speaking after we consume The Malt Beverage, and once we adopt that tongue, we begin to revere the Norsemen and their fiscal pall. Oh, and by the way, the term "Filibuster Proof" has nothing to do with alcohol content, and, I mean, it has nothing, even, to do with content. If anything, we are clearly traveling Discontent Avenue toward The Burning Waterway, and the bridge is OUT. How would you have us make that crossing, Dear Congress -- on a Bloat?

Yrs,
Constituent

2009-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Congress,

You need to Stimulate the economy's Erogenous Zones in a hurry. Hotpants, to be clear, is neither Stimulus nor Erogenous Zone, it is "humid breathing", it is dungarees, it is not Policy, Hotpants is not a Marble Corridor. Oh, it must be so de rigeur to meet a colleague for organic arugula and espresso, to discuss how you can maintain your "Political Independence" in the face of a popular inauguration, its augurs and Okies, bloggers and Blokes. To Curry Flavor is not to press one's agenda in a Bengali restaurant, to Curry Flavor is to spice and celebrate, it does not involve a big gut & insufficient girth of towel at the steambath, it is to butter the chicken, to sample tasty chickpea, to perspire beneath the heatlamp. Do not Stimulate Detroit, Dear Congress, for the country no longer requires an AutoErogenous Zone. Do not Stimulate our hidden areas of Surprise & Exclamation, Dear Congress, for the country already sports too many Gee Spots. Americans would rather lose weight than kiss their representatives. Americans would rather suffer a shortage of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Six Figures is not a band, not a group of concubines, not a Monet or Manet, it is money, ahead of the rest, it is your elite, avant garde salary. It is not a theme park, although a fine interactive park would The Legislature make. One could sign a bill but skip out on the checks and balances; filibuster with minorities and caucus with Caucasians; explore openings and cloture in the cloakroom; ride the secretaries and override The Precedent. Don't take such pride in your multiple hindrances that you record them on your Curriculum Veto. Don't be so skittish, buck up, you are not a Deer Congress, Dear Congress, you are bicameral mammals, you are not camels, you may or may not be humped. Well all reet, then, well all root, then, well Orate, then.

Yrs,
Constituent

2008-11-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Congress,

No, Reapportionment isn't a second helping of potato salad, and The Center isn't a care facility where Senior Cits congregate to play Kaluki, and Bicameral doesn't mean walking around with two photographic devices looped around one's neck. Let's be clear: the days of "Legislating Casual" are over, even Legislating Casual Fridays. You'll have to sacrifice your sacred vice, Opining on the sad sap of our repairs. Dough is to Bread as Money is to Money. Get it? The election results suggest that more Americans will be masturbating with their left hands come January, when the 111th version of you, Dear Congress, will be sworn at, I mean sworn-in. Will you behave like Statespersons, then, or Felons? The distinction, I agree, has muddied muddy. A Lame Duck hobbles, and a Lame Duck is a sad attempt to avoid a projectile, and a Lame Duck fancies itself in a time of Dearth. When Americans asked for salt of the earth you salted the earth. Indenture is to Adventure as Debenture is to Denture. Follow that logic when the alarms sound. (That's a joke).

Yrs,

Constituent

2008-11-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

AMERICA HAS SPOKEN! (and it's a tie)

Poll #2: Which Supper Should Congress Place First in the National Supper Collider?

Moo Shu Porkbarrel 42%
Tenderloin Display 42%
Fatty Kuts 12%
Mac 'n' Cheez 4%

2008-10-11T10:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Congress,

If you are here to serve the American people, then could I get some Moo Shu Porkbarrel to go? Specifically, I think you should legislate the creation of -- *not* a Super Collider -- but a Supper Collider. It is high time that Americans witness suppers colliding against suppers at high rates of speed. In times of stress, we know that the zebra will lie down with the horse, the magician will stow our money in revolving coconut halves, and you, Dear Congress, will attend psychotherapy. When shown an inkblot in the shape of a dollar sign, you will think "Quorum", and who'd blame you? When shown an inkblot in the shape of a Quorum, you will think of a buffet table festooned with cutlets and sterno. Privy to the heartbeat of the voter and to each member the finest privy. Prithee dost though pride thee in the privacy of the primate? And if so, when the coconut halves are be-stilled, and upturned by the venerable hand, rather than just seeing empty coconut halves, that our money is vapor, we are handed a bill for empty coconut halves, we must pay for the very device that has looted our security, Dear Congress. But your pensions are safe, so no need to dip down to our level, what I'll call Basic Every Day.

Yrs, Constituent

2008-10-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!

Should Congress Forego Lunchmeats until the Financial Crisis Is Resolved?

Fatty Kuts 61%
Yes 21%
Selected Meats 14%
No 4%

2008-09-26T20:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Congress,

Pass a gallstone for all I care. Would you please quit seducing people with Scandinavian wafers beside the tenderloin display? Americans frequently seek "closure" not "cloture" -- some of you, clearly, need to get laid. And by that, I mean something consensual. In which the other person says, "The Yeas outweigh the Naysayers." Because of your flabby flubs all Americans now must attend Hypothermia Practice. United is temperate; divided we shiver. Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman, for the Daylight Savings Tax, and I mean, why stop with winter sunlight? Tax the quarter moon, monsoon, constellations, sirocco -- certainly, Dear Congress, there is a way to pay down your $11 trillion debt, without having to, Heaven Forbid, ask Americans to sacrifice. Think about it: Asking US to sacrifice for your FLABBY FLUBS, gladhanding, the sour gristle of your excess.

Yrs, Constituent